The Big Fat Indian (Mallu) Wedding

The Wedding Season - I bet you did not know there's such a season- starts in Kerala as soon as Christmas is over. It sometimes extends right up to the middle of February. Then, it's like somebody turned off the tap and all social activity seems to come to an end till after Easter, sometime in April.

The Lent, before Easter starts then, and for 50 days, people again go off meat, fish, sweets liquor etc, to loose weight, as I've said before, I think. There are still a few hardy souls who do hold functions during this time, but most of them are NRI's who generally cannot organise their vacations to suit the regular Wedding Season.

The normal Mallu wedding would have about a 1000 guests  - I didn't think most knew that many people. Anyway, invitations are sent to everybody in the address book, to all relations, friends and friends of friends. It's amazing how many relations one seems to have when it comes to a wedding in the family - most of whom one has never seen or met and most likely will not do so again.

Most Mallu ladies have this common refrain -" you men can wear the same white dhoti (mundu) and white/blue shirt for both a wedding and a funeral and get away with it. We on the other hand have to be all decked up in our best Saris and jewellery. It's just not fair." It's a man's world in the land of the "lungi" for sure.

The weddings start from the 25th onwards. Sometimes, there are 2 weddings on the same day If you plan your schedule carefully, you can shut down the kitchen in your house for days on end. Unfortunately, if the caterer is the same, then you'll be eating the same food at all the weddings.

My brother & I once put forth this theory to our mother - we spend a minimum of Rs.500/- to attend a wedding - travelling & other sundry expenses. (early 1980's) Of the roughly 1000 people invited to a wedding, only about 200 or so, are keen on attending. The rest attend more as a social obligation & with ill grace. The 800 or so, I'm sure, would gladly send Rs.500/- to the couple, and with their genuine blessings. This amount should be enough to start the newly weds on their way.

My mother didn't fall for it!! Her take on it was quite different - I still have children who need to get married, and these weddings are the perfect place to put them on display for prospective In laws to check them out. This was way before the days of the ubiquitous "Marriage portals."

I'm now getting to the stage where my children will soon get married. In todays "I'll find my own soul mate" times, our above theory still holds good.

IS ANYBODY LISTENING?

Double Faults

What would be the equivalent of the "19th hole" for a tennis player? Double fault, Foot fault, The Net. Doubles? I think I'll go with  "Double".

The Veterans Tennis circuit has started - finally - with the first of many, being held over the last weekend, at Kottayam. It was a grand affair with about 90 entries, in various age groups, in both singles and doubles.

It was in 1999, while a ranking Tennis Tournament for juniors was being held at the Mundakayam Club, that it was decided to hold a Veterans Tennis Tournament along with this. There has been no looking back since then, and the tournament has gone from strength to strength - both in terms of popularity and numbers.

Initially, the idea was that the Tournament would be held only once a year, on a rotational basis, in the various districts of Kerala. The tournament has grown in such popularity, that, now, there are tournaments held almost every month, starting normally, from November onwards.

Most people fight tooth and nail against ageing - being called Uncle/Aunty - but not the tennis player it seems. The Veterans were meant to be 45+ years onwards only. But the 35+ were adamant that they also be included in the Veterans circuit, so now over the last 2 years they have also been included in the circuit, and presumably are being called Ungle/Aundy. Kottayam had a first, in that, we had the first lady entry - hope many more will now join in.

The various age groups are from 35-45, 45 - 55, 55-65 and 65 years and upwards. One might be forgiven for thinking, how many could there be from 65 upwards, but let me assure you that there are quite a few - some 80+ also. It is also one of the most hotly contested groups - cantankerous at times, but all forgotten after the match at the "Double". All the Tournament organisers have now had to study/learn the rules of Tennis.

The Mundakayam Tournament, (conducted by the Idukki District Tennis Association) I'm sure all my other Veteran friends will agree, has become the most popular one on the circuit. It's normally held in February every year. Even if other districts don't hold the tournament every year, all the veterans are of the unanimous opinion that the Mundakayam tournament be held every year. Organisers from Mundakayam are a bit foxed on why this is so. Could it be the "Double" at Mundakayam?

The Mundakayam Club, where the tournament is held, is celebrating it's Centenary Year, this year, and so this tournament promises to be a memorable one.

All are invited to make this a "DOUBLE".

Festive Season

The festive season is here again!!

Shops in Kerala are full of Santa Claus outfits and stars, the bakeries are stuffed with plum cakes, and most catholics are on "Lent". People swear off meat, sweets, liquor, and all sorts of things for 24 days - more in the hope of losing some weight before the actual festivities begin, than for any religious reason, I think.

I thought this would be the perfect time to share this X'Mas cake recipe that was sent to me years ago by a friend and one that I have been religiously trying out:

You'll need, a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit. a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt,a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts and a bottle of whisky. Sample the whisky to check for quality.

 Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink again -- repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large bowl. Add one spoonfull of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still O.K. Try another cup.

Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky again to check for tonsisticity.

Next sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one babblespoon of drown sugar, or whatever colour you can find. Wix mell. Grease the oven. Turn the cake pan to 350 greedees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

Wohonny Jalker.

Never fails - try it!!

Work Ethics

Do people in Kerala possess such a quality?

Not if you are a Malayali or Mallu, as we are commonly called, and not if you are working or living in Kerala.

The Mallu, outside Kerala, is considered one of the most industrious and hard working person. What is it about the Mallu in Kerala that makes him one of the laziest and most contradictory/obstructionist worker in the land?

Could it be the outfit he wears? The most common and popular attire here would comprise a white/coloured Dhoti and shirt. The average Mallu spends most of his waking hours tying, retying, folding and unfolding his dhoti. He's got it down to a fine art and he cannot really be faulted for spending so much time getting this just right - decorum is everything after all!! I think it would make an excellent case study in one of the IIM's, on how much time is spent doing this. 

We have been having an enforced holiday for the last 2 days, due to the Bandh calls given by various political parties.This is another area where the Mallu excels. The bandhs are called in such a way that he can be assured of having a very long weekend. This time it's from Saturday to Wednesday. It would  really be far more convenient if the Govt., could in their official calender, publish the days when we will be working.The Kerala High Court has banned bandhs in the state, but the wily Mallu just calls it by another name - hartal/strike.

All the liquor in the State is sold through The Beverages Corporation (Bevco) under Govt., control. After every major holiday season, there are alarming reports in the newspapers on the amount of liquor that has been sold/consumed during that period. The quantity seems to be going up all the time. The Govt., should also publish figures on the sale/consumption during the bandhs.

While the average Mallu is quite a quarrelsome character in the normal course, his behaviour, while standing in queue at the local Bevco outlet has to be seen to be believed!! There are no arguments, nobody jumps the queue, and he even waits patiently, if he's not with friends, till another 3 people turn up. This is so they can combine their funds to buy a bottle - which they will then share quite amicably.

Could the Golfing forefathers have been onto something here? Most busy Golf clubs will not allow you onto the course unless there are four of you. Could this have been the reason?

The Golfer & his Clubs

The golfers at the Peermade club never had the luxury of a coach or a driving range. Most of us were taught the basics of the game by our Seniors, and we have tried to pass on the love of the game to the youngsters too.

I remember the days when we (meaning the present lot of golfers) first started playing golf. We could easily navigate the course with just a 5/6 iron, a pitching wedge and a putter in our bags - since 3 clubs did not really justify lugging around a huge bag, the clubs were more likely carried in our hands.

I must mention that we were allowed on to the course, straight away, with the bare minimum knowledge of how to even swing the club, and also because there were so few golfers, there was no fear that you were going to kill anybody!!

The caddie most likely went ahead of us, just to spot the ball - the ball seemed to have a mind of its own and very seldom went where we wanted it to go those days!

As we got more experienced, we realised that we needed a lot more clubs in our bags, if we wanted to play a proper round of golf. So a whole lot of new clubs were purchased - at no mean cost I might add, and we were all SET!!

To our horror, we now found that our golf scores were getting no better, and we now had 2 caddies. One to carry the bag - filled with the requisite 14 clubs- and another to go ahead to spot the ball. It still had a mind of its own, and still didn't go where we wanted it to go.

This required some very serious introspection, and you guessed it, at the "19th hole"!! The round was then analysed threadbare as to why, with our brand new Driver, we were still only hitting it as far as we were with the trusty old 5/6 iron. Our grip was checked, our swing was analysed, the follow through dissected, and the final conclusion was that we needed new clubs!!!

The jury is still out though on which new club/s we required - a new 5/6 iron, or a complete new set of clubs!!

Where have all the Barmen gone?

The Barman, in most old planting Clubs were real "institutions" by themselves. Infact in most old clubs they made the "institution"

We had a very interesting barman at the Peermade Club, called James. He was apparently inducted into service as a young man by the then British planters - obviously, at first, to do the cleaning and the heavy work at the club, and then gradually worked himself up into taking over the bar.
It's quite interesting that most old planting clubs had barmen who were either a James or a Devassia or a Gomez.Could it be that the British, after a few drinks at the 19th, found these were the easiest names to remember/pronounce while calling for the next round?

Most members of the Peermade club will vouch that their livers are still in good condition, thanks to James.
He was one of those Barmen who could stretch a full bottle of liquor to well past the 650ml limit!! We were all absolutely amazed that we could still be standing after the amount of drinks that were billed to our accounts.

Once,after a strenuous and rainy day of golf, we trooped into the 19th & ordered the usual round from James. A few pegs later, the suspicion grew that the bottle, which had been brought from home, had been watered down. On confronting him, he vehemently denied the charge. Finally, as the accusations were getting quite heated, he came out with this theory, which just floored everyone. His explanation was that it must have been raining at home when we left, and some water must have seeped into the bottle there. Nobody had an answer to that one!!

The Mundakayam Club, another old planting club, and incidentally celebrating its centenary next year, had a barman named Gomez.

I don't think there will be anyone from around here who does not remember Gomez. His head was always tilted to one side.We were sure, that it was tilted at that funny angle, because of the number of drinks he'd poured over the years - the peg measure used to be filled to the brim & not a drop was spilt while pouring it into the glass!!

Gomez, after years of yeoman service, retired and decided to spend the rest of his life in an Old folks home nearby. Visiting him, about a year after his retirement, I was amazed to see that his head had straightened up!! So obviously it was all those drinks that he'd poured, that had tilted his head.

Barmen, these days, are not the same anymore - though the Mundakayam club did have a Devassia, who was also quite a character. Not in the same class as the two mentioned above though. He was more like a lovable rouge. He fudged the number of drinks you had had with such a simple look, that you didn't have the heart to take him to task.

Bring back those old Barmen!!

Suicidal Drivers

It's that TIME again in Kerala- from the 17th of this month to the 14th of January!
The Sabirimala season is upon us again!!
The next 2 months will see most people living in this area, leaving home with a ferverent prayer that they will return safely.
With the advent of the Ayappan season, we find the craziest drivers from all over South India tearing down our roads, with no thought to their own safety or to the safety of the other road users.
For those of you who have no clue as to what I'm talking about, let me give you a brief rundown on what the Sabarimala season is all about:

The temple on Sabarimala, in central Kerala, enshrines a very popular divinity, Dharmastha, also known as Ayyappa, also called Sastha in ancient times. Legend has it that Lord Vishnu once took the form of an enchanting woman to distract the attention of some demons. By chance Lord Shiva was attracted to her form & the resultant union was Sastha.
One day the King of Pandalam, whose territory included Sabarimala, while hunting in the surrounding forest, was enchantend by this beautiful child that he saw (Sastha) and adopted him, as he had no children of his own at that time. The boy grew up a Prince mastering all the arts and statecrafts
Meanwhile a male child was born to the Royal couple, and the Queen was jealous of Sastha. She therefore plotted to get rid of him, by feigning an illness that could be cured only by drinking  tiger's milk. Ayyappa volunteered to go into the forest to fetch the milk.
In the forest, Ayyappa met Lord Indira, who was being harassed by a demoness named Mohini. This demoness could only die at the hands of an issue of Vishnu & Shiva. Ayyappa killed the demoness & Indira in gratitude offered him the services of his servants, who transformed themselves into tigers.
Ayyappa returned to Pandalam with the tigers & the Queen frightened at the sight of him riding on one of the tigers begged his forgiveness. He forgave her and rvealed his true identity to them.
It is believed that the King requested Ayyappa to make Sabarimala his abode and built a temple for him there.

Devotees, from all over the South & indeed now even from the North flock to this temple during these 2 months, making life for most residents here absolutely miserable.  Most devotees travel by road, using the most dilapidated looking vehicles, with even more dated looking drivers. They don't seem to have been taught even the very basics of driving. They drive on the wrong side of the road, overtake at corners, obviously imagining that they are protected by some divine power.

It's quite obvious that they are protected by some divine spirit, but the same doesn't always apply to the locals. It's quite amazing, the number of accidents that take place during this period, and surely there is some divine power preventing many accidents of the fatal kind.

This brings to mind an incident that happened to an uncle of mine. Blissfully asleep in the back of his car, his driver went screeching round a sharp curve on the wrong side of the road. Luckily for them, this bus full of Ayyappa devotees, also came screeching round the same bend, at the same time, and also on the wrong side of the road. Both vehicles continued on their way as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Just another day during the season !!

So anybody coming/planning to visit God's Own Country(GOC), please be extra careful on the road.
Oh, and also watch where you step as GOC during this period becomes God's own Toilet.

More on this later - maybe- but it's enough to drive anybody straight to the 19th !!

Addicts

I had mentioned the Spence Shield in my earlier post.
Mr. A.B.Spence was a Tea planter in Peermade & the story goes that he and some of his buddies while quenching their thirst after a round of Golf at the Guindy golf course decided to form a golfing society. With the introduction of Prohibition in 1949, those desirous of partaking liqour had to register as an " addict." Thus was formed the Addicts Golfing Society of Southern India.
It should then come as no surprise that the 19th at the Peermade Course is so popular ( Spence being one of the founding father of the Addicts) The idea here being to get together in the name of golf and have some FUN.
The Addicts song reproduced below epitomizes the spirit of the Peermade golfers in more ways than one:

"I'm a member of the addicts,
and golf is my game, I cannot Chip, I cannot Putt,
But I play it just the same.

I play not for the glory,
I play not for the Cup,
I play for what's inside it,
I hope there'll be enough."

This is not to say that we don't take our golf seriously - we do, but in the right spirit.
On the golf course the skins & other bets are fiercely contested, with no quarter given - though a lot is asked for.

You must have heard about the unimaginable treasure trove that was found in the underground vaults of the  temple in Trivandrum. We too found a Silver Trophy at the club a few years back. This we discovered had been donated by the Royal family of Trivandrum - nobody knows when exactly. The trophy,  The Tampuran Cup, was to be awarded to the winner of the inter club golf tournament between Trivandrum Golf Club & Peermade Club, & to be played alternatively at each club.
We have managed to revive this tournament & we are now looking forward to the Trivandrum golfers coming here to play in the 1st week of December. To date the home club has always had the advantage & we hope to keep it that way this time too. (See, we do take our golf seriously)

A little history

Peermade is a hill station situated in the Western ghats in Idukki district
of Kerala State. It takes its name from the Muslim Sufi saint Peer

Mohammed and literally means the hill of the Peer. There is no real

knowledge of when golf was initially played in Peermade, but there is
written evidence that golf was played at a course that existed near
Woodlands bunglow in Glenmary Estate during the early 19th century.
The course was too small to accommodate the growing number of
Golfers. The Tennis players too wanted the 3rd hole shifted to put in two
tennis courts. A committee was elected in 1924 comprising of pioneering
Scotsmen, Mr J S Wilkie, Mr R.C.Elers, and Mr F.Bissett to look into
the feasibility and costing of laying out a new golf course. This was done
by Feburary 1925. The present Peermade Golf Club thus came into
existence at its present location.

The Peermade Golf course, a creation by Mother Nature, and hardly
touched by man , gives one the impression that this was the way golf
was played by the shepherds, and this should be the way it should be
played. The cows not only freely roam around the fairways but also
help to maintain them. The course has only one green with all other
holes being browns. The course looks deceptively easy, being only
4196 yards but calls for strategic play as one can hit a good shot and
find the ball in a bad place on account of the uphill and downhill
fairways

The Spence Shield one of the trophies still competed for was donated by Mr A.B Spence, one of the founding members of The Addicts Golfing Society of Southern India. The Rossier Cup is the oldest trophy, being first competed for in 1929.

The Club House

The beautiful old clubhouse is exactly the same as it was in 1924 when it was established. In those days it was referred to as The Old Twyford Bungalow. A round of golf is not complete without a stop at the 19th hole.The club boasts of one of the best 19th holes, where golfers could enjoy, or console themselves after a round, with the camaraderie and the spirit that abounds in this place. One could revel in the glory of a perfect shot or analyse what went wrong with the "Wee Drappie", the peg measure left behind by the early pioneers.

The Peermade Course Card

Before golf

A good friend- a golfer of course- keeps telling me - head down always on the golf course.

So most Saturdays I make a serious effort at the bar to ensure this will happen. Golfers will know what I'm talking about - at least those serious 19th holer's will.

Sunday is the day a dedicated 4 ball take to the Peermade golf course.

(This course, set up by British planters in the 1930's, remains very much the same today as it probably was then.)

On a good day, we sometimes manage to get upto 6/7 golfers - some need to be dragged away from their sunday newspaper, and some others from church.

I won't get ahead of myself & will post again tomorrow after the 19th.